Speak to Me
by Morgiana
Summary: Trowa explains his feelings to Quatre after the Vayeate explodes. Lots of angst and sap.


Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing.

Notes/Warning: Angst and sap. YAOI 4x3. After Ep.25, when Trowa's floating in space.

Please review. Please.

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Speak to Me

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And I would hear yet once before I perish

The voice which was my music – Speak to me!

Manfred, George Gordon, Lord Byron, 

Dear Quatre,

The stars shine against the night like diamonds thrown into a devouring abyss. It seems that I'm alone again. When I was young, loneliness was different, because I had no knowledge of what I was lacking, or maybe, who I was lacking. Now I know what I am missing. I'm missing you.

Now I'm saying all those things I didn't have time to tell you before the Vayeate exploded. I have all the time in the world but I would give it all up for one more moment with you.

I know that I never told you in words about my past, never explained my thoughts, never revealed my feelings openly. But you always understood. Told me it didn't matter that I could tell you with my voice, because you already _knew_. And now, alone in cold space, I finally have found the words to say, but you aren't here to listen to my last confession.

I love you.

If only I could have some sign that you are still alive. Hear your voice saying my name again, in that tone that said that I was worth something, something precious and desirable to you. Your voice is light and happiness and innocence and purity; everything that I always dreamt of and never touched. All that time in OZ undercover, I was just waiting to hear you voice again.

Heero told me to follow my emotions. But what if your emotions, your heart lead you astray? I was so eager to see you again, I didn't stop and think. I never thought something could have happened to you, changed you. In the end, my heart led me true, because it led me back to you.

I, who never believed in anything, now believe in you. I heard all that bitter sadness in your voice when you warned me away and it was like listening to myself. I could not accept that the one pure thing in my life had become as jaded as I once was. Once was, because I changed when I met you. And I knew that I had to be the one to save you, just like you saved me. Suddenly, it didn't seem so hard to follow my emotions.

Heero warned me to be careful, told me, "Assumptions lead to mistakes." It seems we switched roles. He's the cautious, rational one. Back after his self-destruction, when he was visiting the Noventas, I thought he was crazy to give himself up like that. To put his life in the hands of others, to willing give up control.

Control. Something that is very precious to me; I cultivate it like rose behind a glass case, because a long time ago I had no control over what happened to me. But I gave up my control, put my life in your hands, because I trusted you. Still trust you, even though I'm dying.

Nothing could compare to the fear I felt when I realized how you changed. Even when I was young, I didn't feel fear like that. Because before I had nothing to lose, everything had already been taken from me. When the force of your shot rocked the Vayeate, I suddenly realized exactly how much I would lose if I lost you.

I never expected you would take me in, care for me, love me. After that first gentle caress, the brush of your lips against mine, I surrendered everything I was to you and lost myself in your embrace. I still could not believe you loved me, it was like a lovely dream that would soon vanish. But afterwards, lying on your bed with silken sheets, you stayed with me, tangled your hand in my hair and whispered in my ear.

"You know what I love the most about you Trowa?"

I waited, knowing your answer would be my body, maybe my eyes, my lips, my legs. 

__

You're such a pretty boy Nanashi. Very pretty for a common whore.

But I knew that I didn't care why you chose me, if it allowed me to spend a second more in your presence.

"You know what I love the most about you Trowa? Your heart. Because it's so strong and kind. It's beautiful."

And that's when I knew you loved me.

I never had a religion when I was with the mercenaries. Never had any contact with it, and never had anything worthwhile to believe in anyway. But once I was on a mission with Duo and we took refuge in an abandoned Christian church. I saw Duo stop in front of a stained glass window and close his eyes. When he opened them, they were filled with sorrow; that pain he keeps locked away was visible in those amethyst orbs.

"Who is she, Duo?" I asked, looking at the image of the woman in the window. She had brown hair and blue eyes and a white dress. But the best part was the way the light streamed from behind her and lit up the shimmering wings on her back, like the glow of the golden locks of Quatre's hair.

He turned to me with a sad smile. "An angel."

"What do angels do?"

"They save people. They're everything that's good and pure in the world. But there are too few of them. The world and humanity are just too much sometimes. But they keep on trying and helping where they can, but sometimes…"

"Are they perfect?"

"No one's perfect. They say God is perfect, but I don't believe that. Sometimes an angel falls and then the world and the heavens and the stars weep."

From then on I thought of you as an angel.

I don't know what possessed you to make the ZERO or blow up that colony. Maybe the world was too much for you. But whatever it was, I hope that you know that I forgive you. I think that you have to be alive, because surely this poor world needs you too much to give you up. Me they can spare, but you and your kindness are too valuable to everyone, especially in this heartless war.

I hope that you recover from my death and go on to win this war and find peace. If I could have one last dying wish it would be to know that you are happy.

The darkness is closing in quickly now. You would think that with my past I would hate the darkness. Because it is the absence of color, of feeling, just emptiness and loneliness. And because the night hides so many things, unspeakable evils, and terrors lurking in the shadows. In darkness men are uninhibited by morals, they commit crimes, give in to their baser nature, and the thick blackness hides it all. Darkness destroys innocence.

But space, space is not true darkness. It always represented freedom to me as a child, limitless and infinite. No master, no mission, no masks, just me and the stars. Now, you're here too. I know that somewhere in the vast expanse of space you are living and suddenly all the stars shine with a brightness unrivaled by anything. The brightness of your laughter, your smile, the light of your soul.

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I saw eternity the other night

Like a great Ring of pure and endless light,

All calm, as it was bright,

And round beneath it, Time in hours, days, years

Driv'n by the spheres

Like a vast shadow mov'd, In which the world

And all her train were hurld.

- " The World," Henry Vaughan


End file.
